I don’t ‘do’ New Year Resolutions. Partly it’s because I resent the expectation of them, the forced conformity of it all. Partly it’s because I cannot see why 1 January, in the middle of the Twelve Days of Christmas, is any more significant that any other day for choosing a new path. I always think September with its warm light and back-to-school feel is a more natural choice. But of course a huge part of this resistance to resolutions is due to my ongoing
poor health chronic illness. I first got sick in 2004, and could not believe it when 10 years came and went. But after 2014 it was 2015 … 2016 … and now 2017 … I am sure you can understand where I am going with this.
When I started this blog I was clear in my mind that I did not want it to be a ‘medical misery’ blog and that I wanted to focus on what’s still good, rather than what’s bad in my life. If I’m honest, 2016 was a really hard year. My ongoing condition has combined with the menopause to create a strange, contradictory phase in which each seems to alternately clash with, then feed from, the other. I’ve been weak, exhausted, burning hot then freezing cold, swollen with myxoedema, nauseous all the time, and have developed crippling pains in my left knee. My hair continues to fall out. There have been lots of dark moments, dark periods and times when I’ve wondered when I’m going to wake up from the bad dream I’m having …
A year ago my doctor promised to organise certain blood tests. I never heard back from him on that, didn’t have the energy to press it. Now that a full 12 months have rolled by, I suppose it’s time to contact him. My heart sinks. It means opening the door to the usual round of ‘somatic’ this and ‘anti-depressants’ that. Many hypothyroid patients whose condition is not being managed through standard treatment will sympathise. Is it really so unreasonable of me to think that a family doctor should be interested in the progress of a chronically-ill patient he’s not heard from for a year? He keeps writing my prescriptions, so I suppose he knows I’m still here … But I was heartily offended to receive a round-robin letter from the practice, offering a health check ‘to make sure you stay well’. Could they really not check their records before sending out a pro forma like that? In addition to feeling unwell, you see, I’m in a really bad mood most of the time.
So it’s been hard to keep upbeat and focus on the positives – or, when I can do that much, to find the energy to write about them. My photography has become more or less non-existent. I still rely on my wellies, but I can’t remember the last time I wore lipgloss.
And the question becomes: is it worth continuing this blog at all?
© Lipgloss and Wellies, 2017